Funny One Liners

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.