The Secret to Business Sucess

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.""Very good," said the teacher.Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.""Very good, Sally," said the teacher.Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said."$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?""Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny."Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?""I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"

Doctor's Appointment

This morning I went to the doctor to get a physical for the marching band. I've been swimming a lot recently and have had some trouble in my right ear. When I told the nurse that she looked in my ear and said that I had a lot of ear wax built up, so she went to search for..."The Elephant Sprayer". She shot water into my ear at high speeds for about 3 minutes with a look of frustration on her face.

"No luck?" I asked.

"Nothing", she said.

She put some kindof ointment in my ear and waited for about 15 minutes then she came back for another try.

As she sprayed the "Elephant" into my ear all of the sudden she had a great look of joy come onto her face. She said, "You're gonna lova me!" ..."this is exciting!"

She was so determined to get that ear wax out when she saw something come out she was filled with true joy and a sense of accomplishment.

She said, "because of me you are gonna be able to hear the music in the band perfectly and do great, and you'll be able to get straight A's in class cause you'll be able to hear the professor perfectly! Check out what i pulled from your ear!"

I looked in the bucket thing she put it in and it was one of the most horrifying but joyous things I had ever seen! It was a large mass of BLACK nasty ear wax!!!! EEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked her why it was black and she said cause it has been there for a long time! I can hear better than a bat now!!!!! It's so clear and isn't muffled anymore...I never knew it was so muffled but now i can tell a difference.

This day, my friends, will go down in the history books! I haven't had such a joyous removal of ear wax since I was 10 years old! I remeber it vivedly but i wont go into details of that one...

Note: Pictured above is not the actual ear wax that was removed this morning. No ear wax was harmed in the making of this post. Thank You.

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness.
When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter.
Sees her and unplugs the horse.

Funny Political Cartoons

Funny One Liners

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.